Too much snow

And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over. My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made…

I have never been so cold, not even when I came home and the train could not advance because of the snow. I had to endure the cold for over nine hours since I had left my warm room in the dorm. After some time, I couldn’t even feel my feet. It was as if they had been replaced by a couple of inert logs. There was no heat and no sound other than that of the train screeching as it advanced sluggishly.

Outside, there was only snow. Much too much snow. It had covered the whole world, making everything even. Pain, tears, joy, memories, there was no meaning left to them. Snow had covered it, thus rendering it insignificant. And there I was, hollow inside, stranded in the middle of that ocean of frozen water, drowning in the cold. All that snow was too heavy, I couldn’t bear it.

In a way, I am still there, out in the middle of nowhere, while snow falls down innocently and covers my screams, my tears, my pain, my courage. My limbs are gradually becoming inorganic, my whole body is steadily turning into an artificial, mineralized shell. Only my heart is stubborn enough to keep beating and bleeding. I know what it is trying to do. It wants to fight till the bitter end, to cling to that small and frail feeling of love that has been born and bear it and cherish it until the blood runs out and it can’t beat anymore.

Who am I to tell it to stop? It won’t listen to reason even if I tried. And maybe I don’t want to talk it out of it. Even though it hurts, even though all I can do is lie in bed and cry, maybe that’s all I want right now. I’m lying in the middle of that while field. Flowers of ice are growing all over me, covering me, silencing my pain. Nobody can hear me, nobody can come and pick me up. At the very least, I want my soul to freeze to death while loving the best way it can. There’s nothing else I can do. There’s just too much snow.

And though I can’t understand why this happened, I know that I will when I look back someday and see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames.

Heartbeat

Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.

I must admit it took me by surprise.

Tick. Tock.

Can you hear my heart beat in this world?

It was like a whisper, like a murmured song, like a secret revealing itself only to me. Just to me. I can selfishly say that, for a brief moment, it was mine. That cocktail of warmth, care and pampering – just for me. “I could die like this and I wouldn’t regret a single thing,” went through my head. Corny, right? Yes, maybe I am a corny person.

Tick. Tock.

I had been moving so fast, I had forgotten to just stop and listen to the sounds around me. Hadn’t taken a real, deep breath of life a in a long, long while. And then there you were, resting, almost fallen asleep. Mesmerising. So close to me. Just stood there and watched you. It seemed like there was nothing else worth doing. Didn’t expect you to open your eyes and pull me near. I only realised what had happened when it invaded my ears.

Tick. Tock.

Your heartbeat.

Tick. Tock.

A heartbeat in front of me is all I’ll ever need.

You make me feel… “little”. With most people in my life I always had to be the “big” one, the one who did the protecting, the pampering, the looking after, the comforting, the standing up for them. But you… you have this amazing ability to turn me into the child I didn’t even know I was. I feel like it’s ok to do anything I want because, if I make a mistake, you’d be there to make it right again. And your being there makes it seem as if nothing in the world can harm me. I love being little around you.

Tick. Tock.

“What are you thinking right now?”

Good one. What was I thinking? Was I even thinking anything? I’m not sure. I do know I loved how your fingers felt: warm, soft and strong. Maybe I thought I didn’t ever want to let them go and then I panicked when you asked me that. It’s unbelievable how you can see right through me. And also scary >.> But no, nothing weird was going through my head, I was just enjoying the moment and the movie. I couldn’t ever think anything disrespectful in regards to you, my mind just can’t do it. I cannot and will not sully the bits of feelings that make up the you that I carry inside.

Tick. Tock.

The way I see myself reflected in your eyes flatters me and scares me at the same time. I’m not that good, not that innocent and pure, not that strong, not that smart. However, maybe those are things that are actually there, but which I can’t see since I have such a low self-esteem. Whatever the case, I don’t want that reflection to die. I want you to always see me that way. I want to be that little girl mirrored by your beautiful eyes, I want to find her inside of me and bring her out. I’ll work hard to achieve this. I promise. I’m gonna be that brave lil’ mousey for real, you just wait and see.

Tick. Tock.

Thank you for offering me your arm so that I don’t slip on the ice. Thank you for covering my eyes when things got naughty in the movie. Thank you for knowing how to make me laugh. Thank you for always taking a step back in order to see the whole picture of me, not just some colour stains. Thank you. I’ll never cease to say it. I don’t want to take you for granted. Someday, it might all burn out and die, but I don’t want to regret anything, the phrase “I never told you” freaks me out. So thank you.

Tick. Tock.

Thank you =^.^=